Start Here: Introduction
- Kharissa Parker
- Aug 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 5
Throughout my life, I’ve had a very delicate relationship with self-care. From my childhood to my career and even through marriage, motherhood, and divorce, self-care has been a consistent theme.
The trajectory of my career didn't really kick off until my 30's. During that time, I became hyper-aware of key themes that kept resurfacing. No matter what type of challenge I was facing, these themes popped up over and over again. The more they showed up, the more aware of them I became.
For about 10 years, I journaled and eventually started connecting the dots. When I looked back at old entries, I started to realize that these lessons weren't just about my career. What I was really discovering was how I wanted to show up in the world, show up for myself, and show up in relationships. What I thought were random aha moments turned out to be personal values that shaped every aspect of my life.
And that's how The 7 Pillars of Self-Care was born. The 7 Pillars are:
Spiritual Alignment
Emotional Intelligence
Mental Clarity
Self-Awareness
Physical Fitness
Divine Spaces
Healthy Relationships
As you dive into this series, my hope for you is that you make some discoveries of your own as you start to see how each pillar works both practically and spiritually — but before we dive in, there are two things we need to get clear on:
Self-care doesn’t exist without self-control, self-discipline, and self-awareness.
There’s a big difference between self-care and self-soothing.
THE TRUE DEFINITION OF SELF-CARE
I think the first time I felt like I was seeing everyone taking self-care seriously was during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.
The news was so heavily saturated with politically backed debates about vaccines and face masks that figuring out how to handle COVID became less about true health and wellness and more about whether you were a Republican or Democrat.
At some point, many people took a collective pause and started seeking out what was right for them and their families, apart from anyone else's agenda. People were researching things like the differences between herbs and algae, learning how to grow their own gardens, and discovering how nootropics could benefit their mental health.
All at once, it was both a devastating and magical time — and, I have to admit, seeing people take their well-being into their own hands was empowering.
But you know what else we did?
We drank more wine. We took more bubble baths. We binged more shows. While those things are okay now and then, they definitely don’t always have a positive impact on our health — not for the long-term anyway.
This is why knowing the difference between self-care and self-soothing is so important.
Here’s the truth: self-care doesn’t always involve pleasure. In fact, real self-care involves self-control, self-discipline, and self-awareness.
To have self-control is to be still when all you want to do is take action. To have self-discipline is to take action when all you want to do is be still.
Let me give you an example.
Resisting the temptation to eat dessert when you’ve already hit your calorie goal for the day? That’s self-control.
Choosing to stick to your workout schedule when you'd rather sit down and catch up on reality TV? That’s self-discipline.
But, as we all know, rules are meant to be broken! That's where self-awareness comes into play.
Self-awareness is what helps you know when breaking the rules is actually the right call.
If that dessert is part of a special celebration and you’ve been consistent with your nutrition habits, or if you’re skipping a workout because you're sick or your body’s fighting off a cold, self-awareness is what lets you honor your short-term needs without sacrificing your long-term goals.
AND THEN THERE'S SELF-SOOTHING
Self-soothing is using immediate pleasure to reduce or stop stress in the moment.
It’s always about short-term pleasure and it always feels good.
It triggers feel-good hormones like dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.
It gives you just enough relief to keep going — and sometimes, that’s all you really need.
Self-soothing isn’t bad. It only becomes a problem when you start treating it like a solution instead of a temporary fix.
When you find yourself choosing to self-soothe when you should be caring for yourself in a more meaningful or responsible way, that can lead to self-sabotage. For example:
Having a drink becomes your go-to coping mechanism = self-sabotage.
Avoiding counseling and zoning out in front of the TV instead = self-sabotage.
If you’re not sure whether you’re self-soothing or self-sabotaging, ask yourself these four questions:
Is this a habit that could lead to negative consequences if I’m not careful?
Am I aware of a healthier alternative?
Do I intentionally ignore that healthier alternative?
Do I make excuses to justify my coping mechanisms?
If you answer yes to any of those, it’s time to pause and reevaluate how you can be more mindful about practicing self-care.
